Yeah, when I’m with her. Or with Cheyenne. Holding her or kissing her or protecting her from the demons in her head.

              I want that. I can’t believe I want her. Really want her, but what do I have to offer?

              I let loose. Scream and I know it’s crazy. Hell maybe I am cracking up, but I try and let it all out of me. Push it out because I’m tired of fucking feeling this way.

              I want her. I want something. I don’t know what, but I don’t want this, standing in the middle of nowhere and cracking up.

              I’m tired. So fucking tired of fighting it and feeling this way—whatever the hell way it is. I lie about everything. I’m a dick to everyone. I can’t even truthfully answer the question “are you happy”. But she sees more in me. They both do.

              My feet start to carry me back to the car. I don’t know where I’m going or what I plan to do when I get there.

              Actually, I do.

              I’m going to Cheyenne. I need her.

              I’m not a block down the street when I see the red and blue flashing lights in my rearview window. All I can think about is the weed in the trunk of my car.

~CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX~

Cheyenne

              My phone rings a couple hours after Colt leaves. I fumble for it thinking it’s either him or Aunt Lily (who is still blowing up my phone), but see a number I don’t recognize. I almost put the phone back down, but something makes me answer it. “Hello?”

              “Cheyenne?”

              I recognize the voice instantly. I jump up out of bed. “Bev. What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it Colt?”

              She chuckles and it sounds like a sicker, more feminine version of Colt. It makes me sad and smile at the same time.

              “No, no. Nothing’s wrong. Unless you count the fact that I’m dying.”

              My heart stops. Words completely lost. How do I reply to that?

              “Not today, though. Today I want you to do a favor for me.”

              My breathing picks back up again. “Absolutely. Anything.”

              Happiness sprouts inside me. I’m honored she would come to me and I don’t even know what she wants. The woman has only met me once, yet when Colt is obviously unavailable, she comes to me.

              “I want to get a tattoo.”

              I stumble. That wasn’t what I expected at all. “Umm…okay?”

              Another laugh and it may sound ridiculous, but I already miss Bev. I can’t imagine being Colt and knowing I’m going to lose her. It was different with my mom and I still can’t get over it. We weren’t close and she forgot about me more than she thought about me, but your parent is always your parent. Colt has this loving, awesome woman as his mom and he’s watching her wither away.

              “I know it sounds crazy…especially given all the trouble I’ve given Colton over them. Our biggest argument we ever had was when he came home with his first tattoo at seventeen.”

              I sit on the bed, hoping she’ll tell me the story.

              “Thinks he’s big and tough that one, but he knew I would be pissed. That’s why he got it on his back. Tried to hide it. He may think he’s good at lot of things, but getting something by me isn’t one of them. I know my son and I knew the minute he came home that he’d done something he knew I wouldn’t like.”

              “What happened?” I find myself asking.

              “Well at first I didn’t know what it was, but I could tell he was nervous. He may think he is, but he’s not a good liar. I spent the evening watching him and I noticed him flinch when he leaned against the back of the couch. Don’t tell him I told you, but he’s not real good with pain either.”

              I laugh, thinking of a younger Colt trying to hide a tattoo from Bev. “How did you figure it out?”

              “Walked right over to him, made him stand and pulled his shirt up, of course.”

              This makes me laugh harder. Soon Bev joins in, but then starts to cough. I can tell she’s out of breath. “Are you okay?”

              She sighs. “Okay as I’ll ever be. Cheyenne…I want to do this. I feel the need to do it and I don’t want to wait.”

              Two things hit me. First, if she doesn’t want to wait, she doesn’t think she has much time. My chest feels empty at the thought and my eyes begin to sting.

              And second. Colt doesn’t approve. That’s why she’s coming to me. There’s no other reason that makes sense.

              “Bev…”

              “Please. Do you know how it feels to be a grown woman and have to beg for help for something like this? I want it. I need it and Colt is stubborn. I think…” her voice cracks and I think she might be crying.

              “I think he somehow thinks I’ll get better. That I won’t be sick anymore and I’ll regret it. I know I’m not getting better, Cheyenne and I want this.”

              I’m crying too now. How is Colt going to handle losing her? He won’t have anyone left.

              He’ll have me.

              Not that I know if he even wants me.

              “You can’t leave. I can’t risk taking you out of the house.”

              The silence on the other side of the phone tells me she thinks it’s a lost cause.

              “That’s what Maggie said. What’s the difference? I’m dying anyway.”

              Those words are the answer I need. They confirm the only decision I can make right now. It helps knowing her nurse is okay with it. “I’ll make it happen, okay? Don’t worry. I’ll do this for you.”

              I hang up the phone, scared to death helping Bev is going to make me lose Colt. This isn’t my place. She’s not my mom, but she came to me as a friend. I know what it’s like to need someone and not have anyone there. I won’t let Bev feel that way.

***

              It’s going to cost me a lot of money to get this tattoo artist to go to Bev. I can’t even tell them what kind of tattoo she wants or anything, but I find a girl willing to go.

              She lost a grandma to cancer.

              “I lost my mom too,” I tell her. It’s so crazy. It’s the first time I’ve said the words that way. Said them at all except for the first time I told Colt. They hurt—prick and prod at my insides, but not as much as I thought they would. It’ slowly becoming okay. Well, not okay, but a part of me. Real.

              Tammy gives me a sad smile as she packs up all her tattooing equipment.

              She follows me over to Bev’s. On the way, I try to call Colt. No answer again. It’s the third time I’ve tried. He’s going to be pissed, but I want to at least tell him what I’m doing.

              “Thank you, so much,” I tell Tammy as I lead her toward the building.

              “No problem,” the tattooed, pierced woman says.

              I knock and Maggie answers the door. She startles a little at the two of us. “Bev called and asked me to come over.”

              “Does Colton know?” she asks.

              “No. But she wants it. He’ll understand.” I lie. Or I don’t. I don’t know. I think he’ll get it. It’s just a tattoo, but if what Bev said is right then I get what it means to him. If she won’t have the chance to regret it, it really means she’s really dying.

              Oh God.

              I suddenly feel dizzy. My chest starts to tighten. Am I doing the right thing?

              I fight back the panic threatening to take me over. “Can we come in?”